Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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