We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
