Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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