you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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