I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
