Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
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She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
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oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.