I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay