It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
