Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
