I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
