I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
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