you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
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Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
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Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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