I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
