Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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