4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
