Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
