A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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