I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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