There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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