i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
