I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
