we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Quick, to the slutcave!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
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Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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