every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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