I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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