Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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