I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
