I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
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it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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