i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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