You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
