i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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