Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
