i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
