Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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