Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
