I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
