I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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