i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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