So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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