i don't like sucking hair
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
