What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
