Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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