I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
