I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The power of my boobs compel you
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
