I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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