She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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