My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
