Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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