They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
That reminds me...we need to get swords
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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