Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
