alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
