I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
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