you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
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you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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