I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
