Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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