it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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