Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
